to heAL.

To heal.

Healing Im realising is not easy. Its not linear and its definitly not comfortable. 

This is why some people will never do it. Theyd rather live in distraction, avoidance, drink it away etc.

I really dont blame them. 

Who actually wants to feel years of generational pain? 

Who feels excited to face the fact youve been abused, raped manipulated and relive that through nightmares, triggers, breaking down in a gym changing room ?

The truth is healing is sometimes, fucking amazing and its what instagram shows us ; yah yoga on a beach and drinking a matcha latte whilst enjoying a sunset, its meditating and jounalling, its going to the gym ans smashing out loads of goals and a banging routine. 

BUT it can also at times be, waking up bolted in the middle of the night, thinking your back to your 6 year old self, the smell of him, your hysterical younger self crying with only fear running through her veins gasping for air. 

Its waking up the next day with pain and exhaustion. Its instantly wanting the pain to go away so you'll do anything for a quick fix and relieve some pain even for a minute, drown yourself in sugar ad chocolate, watch an absolutely superficial and ridiculous dating show (ew). 

Its feeling absolutely lost in your mind and body. You might not know who you are at this point.

Its feeling like your body has been through a war and you want comfort and sleep . Its not showering, not brushing your hair because that is to much effort and motivation. Its not showering in days, having pizza marks on yourself. Its farting uncontrollably and it stinking (eating disorders and gut issues).Its making excuses to not go out with people and letting people down because you cant actually commit o what you thought and wanted to. Its being scared your to much for your loved ones, its pushing them away. Its realsisng the ones who you thought loved you and should have been there for you let you down and hurt you more.   The thing is this IS part of healing and healing in the long term is good for you and your future children and their children. STOP putting pressure on yourself ( which is literally the thing I struggle with most). 

I am a perfectionist its a fact. I have strived for years and years to do everything perfectly because I am trying to rationlise what has happened to me, that is I just eat the right things, if I have the perfect body and make loads of money then this pain will go and I wont be so BAD. Because ultimaletyly Ive blamed the bad things that have happened to me, the things that are never right and the things that are not rational and I have internalised them and that makes me BAD .